Coming out...

July 2016 

for the past 10 years I've been struggling with my sexual identity. I've claimed I was bisexual for a long time now, I've dated both girls are guys, and i have found that I was never really happy or satisfied with a man. I just really, desperately wanted a family, and i thought the only way would be to get married, and start having babies..the universe showed me that regardless of who I'm with, science will have to be involved for me to be able to carry a child. I'm done lying to myself, and everyone else in my life, but I am gay. For the first time in my entire life I am being honest, and accepting that this is what I've been waiting for... The love of a woman. I've never felt such a fire for life. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I've never been so excited for what the future holds...I hope to have your love and support throughv this next chapter of life. 

It's Influenster time again!

Super stoked to try the formula x xcel system! And the coral color is gorgeous! #influenster #systemaddict #mani #pedi 

big life change, if anyone even reads these still, let me know

I've been keeping everyone out of the loop because i have been in a pretty dark place and i really haven't been ready to talk about things, but it seems more and more people are starting to catch on. After my best friend Jonathan died  May 14, 2015  i have been having some serious troubles coming out of it, I've sought out therapy now and seem to be getting better. less panic attacks, and more sleep at night. but the honest truth is that over the past year and a half  husband and i have been having a lot of troubles in our marriage. we lost a total of 4 friends who all graduated high school with us, on top of that i was getting hormone treatments and i was taking metformin and provera, and even did 7 cycles of clomid, i was desperately trying to get pregnant. i fell into a deep depression that i was even embarrassed to talk about because i was feeling like the one thing that a woman's body should do, mine couldn't. Then i had the realization that i was in this dark place because no one was by my side through all of it, not even him. Randal put up a wall that just got higher and higher with every loss, and my mom was dealing with her own things, i didn't want to burden her with mine. long story short as possible, almost 3 months ago, husband lost his job, and then admitted to me that for the past 9-10 months he had been abusing pain meds, and not just abusing them, but intravenously. My whole life turned upside down. How didn't i know that my husband was shooting up for 9 months? That's when i booked the trip to Vegas to see my aunt and uncle, because i just needed to run away and clear my head. hes been clean for 60 days now, but we are going to proceed with a separation and most likely a divorce. i'm only 25, and not too young to start over with someone who can be there the way i need them to be. i'm okay now, and i'm still in therapy, i have been diagnosed with OCD (control and letting go, list making, and needed to achieve specific goals before doing anything), depression, and panic disorder. its been a long time coming, and i'm finally doing whats best for me. 

So many changes.

IThe past few months have been crazy. Just checking in. I'm on a break from blogging but I do want to continue eventually. Emotions are out of control. No longer ttc. Want a new job, working on saving my marriage that isn't doing so well, and I recently found out that my husband is battling addiction. All my psych Meds have been upped. Dealing with a lot of fears and what ifs. Trying to stream in positive and keep seeking help through this awesome therapist I found. Mindfulness is incredible, I'll see if I can blog about that soon. Until then, I'm faking my smile to get through the pain, thanks for understanding.

The Absence of Perfection

The absence of  perfection 

Because of life interception 

Leaves us with a bad taste in our mouths

How could someone as incredible as him Be taken so soon? 

How can you fill a world with more tears then there's room?

What is the point are you trying to get across?

How can you expect us to cope with the loss after loss?

I have so many questions,with no reason why

Why did you chose him? Why our handsome guy?

What did we do to deserve this pain?

If I knew, I would take it all back for his life we'd regain.

Some days I can't eat, and most nights I can't sleep it seems

But I still hope and pray every night you'll come to my dreams.

Tell me what's it like? Being where you are?

Tell me that it's beautiful and you're sitting among the stars 

Tell me that you're okay and that the others are with you now

Tell me that you're at peace and that well all be okay somehow

Tell me that this is all how it's supposed to be

Tell me that there's a valid reason that you were taken from me 

Tell me that you're okay and that's you're not alone 

Tell me one day we all will be able to come on home 

Tell me that you're with us in everything we do

And tell me that when I think you're there that it's really you.

The absence of  perfection 

Because of life interception

Will never make sense in my head 

But until it does, I will raise my standards, 

I will never settle for less,

and I remember you with every  tear shed.

-Lindsay Reynolds-Burke

Love and loss

It's truly unreal how losing someone brings people together, well try losing like we have this year. 💜Jonathan, Kirk and Darling, & Christian💜this year has been way too much on so many people, but it has definitely brought out the true colors of many people. Good, bad, and the ugly. I have had confirmation on the friends I hold near and dear, and I've also got some clarification on the people who claimed to be there until there was actually something to be there for. With each loss it gets harder and harder because the pain from the last wound is re-opened, and in my case, the first was the deepest and most painful wound of them all. I'm back on Zoloft, so I've stopped crying so much, but the pain inside is still there, the tears just dried up. I'll be back to updating the blog soon enough, but I'm truly dealing with life and loss right now and can't seem to find it in me to be positive.

Stay tuned 

Xoxo

Lulu

Nothing ever came of it.

The ultrasound came back with "a few polyps" but nothing life changing... 

Stay tuned.

Xoxox

Lulu.