Coming out...

July 2016 

for the past 10 years I've been struggling with my sexual identity. I've claimed I was bisexual for a long time now, I've dated both girls are guys, and i have found that I was never really happy or satisfied with a man. I just really, desperately wanted a family, and i thought the only way would be to get married, and start having babies..the universe showed me that regardless of who I'm with, science will have to be involved for me to be able to carry a child. I'm done lying to myself, and everyone else in my life, but I am gay. For the first time in my entire life I am being honest, and accepting that this is what I've been waiting for... The love of a woman. I've never felt such a fire for life. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I've never been so excited for what the future holds...I hope to have your love and support throughv this next chapter of life. 

It's Influenster time again!

Super stoked to try the formula x xcel system! And the coral color is gorgeous! #influenster #systemaddict #mani #pedi 

big life change, if anyone even reads these still, let me know

I've been keeping everyone out of the loop because i have been in a pretty dark place and i really haven't been ready to talk about things, but it seems more and more people are starting to catch on. After my best friend Jonathan died  May 14, 2015  i have been having some serious troubles coming out of it, I've sought out therapy now and seem to be getting better. less panic attacks, and more sleep at night. but the honest truth is that over the past year and a half  husband and i have been having a lot of troubles in our marriage. we lost a total of 4 friends who all graduated high school with us, on top of that i was getting hormone treatments and i was taking metformin and provera, and even did 7 cycles of clomid, i was desperately trying to get pregnant. i fell into a deep depression that i was even embarrassed to talk about because i was feeling like the one thing that a woman's body should do, mine couldn't. Then i had the realization that i was in this dark place because no one was by my side through all of it, not even him. Randal put up a wall that just got higher and higher with every loss, and my mom was dealing with her own things, i didn't want to burden her with mine. long story short as possible, almost 3 months ago, husband lost his job, and then admitted to me that for the past 9-10 months he had been abusing pain meds, and not just abusing them, but intravenously. My whole life turned upside down. How didn't i know that my husband was shooting up for 9 months? That's when i booked the trip to Vegas to see my aunt and uncle, because i just needed to run away and clear my head. hes been clean for 60 days now, but we are going to proceed with a separation and most likely a divorce. i'm only 25, and not too young to start over with someone who can be there the way i need them to be. i'm okay now, and i'm still in therapy, i have been diagnosed with OCD (control and letting go, list making, and needed to achieve specific goals before doing anything), depression, and panic disorder. its been a long time coming, and i'm finally doing whats best for me. 

So many changes.

IThe past few months have been crazy. Just checking in. I'm on a break from blogging but I do want to continue eventually. Emotions are out of control. No longer ttc. Want a new job, working on saving my marriage that isn't doing so well, and I recently found out that my husband is battling addiction. All my psych Meds have been upped. Dealing with a lot of fears and what ifs. Trying to stream in positive and keep seeking help through this awesome therapist I found. Mindfulness is incredible, I'll see if I can blog about that soon. Until then, I'm faking my smile to get through the pain, thanks for understanding.