The Absence of Perfection

The absence of  perfection 

Because of life interception 

Leaves us with a bad taste in our mouths

How could someone as incredible as him Be taken so soon? 

How can you fill a world with more tears then there's room?

What is the point are you trying to get across?

How can you expect us to cope with the loss after loss?

I have so many questions,with no reason why

Why did you chose him? Why our handsome guy?

What did we do to deserve this pain?

If I knew, I would take it all back for his life we'd regain.

Some days I can't eat, and most nights I can't sleep it seems

But I still hope and pray every night you'll come to my dreams.

Tell me what's it like? Being where you are?

Tell me that it's beautiful and you're sitting among the stars 

Tell me that you're okay and that the others are with you now

Tell me that you're at peace and that well all be okay somehow

Tell me that this is all how it's supposed to be

Tell me that there's a valid reason that you were taken from me 

Tell me that you're okay and that's you're not alone 

Tell me one day we all will be able to come on home 

Tell me that you're with us in everything we do

And tell me that when I think you're there that it's really you.

The absence of  perfection 

Because of life interception

Will never make sense in my head 

But until it does, I will raise my standards, 

I will never settle for less,

and I remember you with every  tear shed.

-Lindsay Reynolds-Burke

Love and loss

It's truly unreal how losing someone brings people together, well try losing like we have this year. 💜Jonathan, Kirk and Darling, & Christian💜this year has been way too much on so many people, but it has definitely brought out the true colors of many people. Good, bad, and the ugly. I have had confirmation on the friends I hold near and dear, and I've also got some clarification on the people who claimed to be there until there was actually something to be there for. With each loss it gets harder and harder because the pain from the last wound is re-opened, and in my case, the first was the deepest and most painful wound of them all. I'm back on Zoloft, so I've stopped crying so much, but the pain inside is still there, the tears just dried up. I'll be back to updating the blog soon enough, but I'm truly dealing with life and loss right now and can't seem to find it in me to be positive.

Stay tuned 

Xoxo

Lulu

Nothing ever came of it.

The ultrasound came back with "a few polyps" but nothing life changing... 

Stay tuned.

Xoxox

Lulu.

Update ultrasound

This morning was my ultrasound, 

Dr. M was in an emergency c- section,

So the tech and nurse was all I had, 

He told he he needed a better view of the ovaries because he saw some "polyps"...

I won't get results until next week.

After two doses of provera, tonight I stopped my 47 day binge, but still don't feel too wonderful... I'll keep you posted.

Xoxo,

luLu

I'm nervous

So considering since July 18 I have been bleeding (with a total of 16 days off) that's makes 45+ days bleeding... Provera gave me 4 days of relief, but nothing else has seems to work.... I'm bleeding so much that I have to change my super tampon every hour, while wearing a pad too, just to be on the safe side.

Anyways, after I emailed dr.m he suggest I scheduled a ultra sound, which I'm nervous about. This Friday I will be going in and they're going to be looking for any abnormalities, like cysts, and/or anything that may be causing this prolonged situation. 

At this lint in willing to do anything to make this bleeding stop.

Stay tuned, 

Xoxo,

Lulu

September is PCOS awareness month

September is PCOS awareness month and the women of PCOS Divas have done some incredible work to have already improved awareness without a doubt! Every time I think I know everything about my own diagnosis, I learn something new. Thanks to these incredible ladies. Check out  http://pcosdiva.com or PCOS  Divas on Facebook! 

Below are just a few screen shots of what I've really related to, or recently learned off their Facebook posts; 

August 2,2015 sucked.

65 to 0 in 2 seconds on the 91 freeway... 

My first ever accident, and 

Surprisingly enough, Bertha was fixable...

and so was I. THANK GOD. 

Bruised were pretty graphic: 

May 14,2015 was hard...

""Man dies in crash on 210 Freeway in PasadenaBy: Brian Day Thursday, May 14, 2015 - 7:36 p.m.PASADENA >> A man died after his car collided with a delivery truck on the rain-slickened 210 Freeway in Pasadena on Thursday afternoon, officials said. The crash occurred about 2:45 p.m. on the westbound 210 Freeway at Lincoln Avenue, California Highway Patrol Officer Patrick Kimball said. Initial reports indicated a gray sedan hydroplaned and went out of control before crashing into the truck, Kimball said.The front end of the car became pinned beneath the truck, trapping the driver, Kimball said. The man, estimated to be about 30, was pronounced dead at the scene. Officials issued a Sig Alert affecting the right-hand lane of the westbound 210 Freeway through 7 p.m. officials said. Officers from the CHP's Altadena office are handling the investigation.""

Jonathan Stewart James was by far one of the most amazing people that ever walked into my life. I met him 9 years ago, and my love only grew stronger with every year of friendship. One of those people you can go to with your best or worst days, he was always there. In recent years I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with him, but we talked at least weekly, and I know that he was the happiest now then he has ever been. I am honored to have called him a dear friend. It's truly amazing how one person can make such a positive impact on so many people's lives. I hate that it takes such tragedy to open my eyes, but I'm going to be making some changes and different choices in my life. It's time to let go of grudges and be kind to one another. Life is too short for petty stuff. We lost a great man, but we gained an even better angel. My heart is broken but I rest assured that he will be watching over me daily. Rest in paradise Mr. James.

"When I have come to the end of the road 

and the sun has set for me

I want no rites in the gloom filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free.

Miss me a little - but not too long 

And not with your head bowed low 

Remember the love that we once shared 

Miss me -but let me go

For this is a journey we all must take 

And each must go alone 

It's all a part of the master plan 

A step on the road to home

When you are lonely and sick of heart

Go to the friends and family we know 

And burry your sorrows in doing good deeds

Miss me-but let me go"

Mia no more!

update on life:

sorry i have been MIA for a little while, i really decided to take a break from baby dancing. I just wanted to check in with you and let you know what has been going on. We recently made the decision to let two of my best fiends kids live with my husband and I because my best friend moved to the San Fernando Valley (some personal reasons for her family ) and we wanted them to be able to stay in the same schools, which has been really fun, a real blessing, a sense of family ive never experienced, exciting but things have been a little chaotic, but not in a bad way, just in a way that's us making a routine of things and changes... we are all doing the best we can under the circumstances! They are both seriously incredible kids, and have shown they are truly doing their best with what little I have to provide them, but most of all i miss their mom! My life partner. Partner in crime, and other half...my best friend 

PCOS update:

my body is going absolutely crazy, essentially I didn't get a period for 4 months, then I got it for 21 days straight, 9 days off, and then now 15 days back bleeding. Since I have no insurance still, I just was going to deal with it, but it's been very heavy, painful, and I'm passing a lot of clots... So I gave in and emailed the angel of a nurse at dr M's office. Today, She ended up having me come in for an injection of progesterone, and called me in an rx for provera for the next 5 days.... Hope it stops everything and gives me a little time to restart my cycle. The next things dr M talked about was possibly starting back on metformin... We will see how that goes!   

Stay tuned.

Xoxo 

LuLu

Ps new insurance enrollment October 1st! 

Nothing really to update!

But I didn't want to leave you hanging, no news. Just got back from vacation today with my best friend!!!! R and R was much needed! We slept and ate and swam! It was so nice! It stayed about 94* the whole 4 days! We stayed at a condo in Palm Springs, CA for 4 days! I think it's definately what I needed! I feel very relaxed, came home to a clean house and a wonderful husband! I missed my kitty Jade so much!!! She hasn't left my side since I walked through the door!

Here's some pics from my awesome vacation! 

Stay positive & stay tuned,

Xoxo,

LULU

Taking this month off!

No clomid this month! I need a break. It's too stressful on my mind and heart.... For some reason though, I think I'm ovulating right now... Naturally, I may test later to see if I am... Baby dancing reguardless...

Stay tuned

Xoxo,

Lulu

It's influenster time again!

I can't even believe this cox

Box this month! Just about everything is full size and the adore me nighty was honestly amazing! And got to me so quick! :) 

#tidepodswithfabreze

#opticwhitetoothpaste

#opticwhitetoothbrush 

#attachableopticwhitebleach 

#skinfixcreamforcraksandexema 

#johnfriedafrizzeaseprimer

#johnfriendafrizzeaseshampoo

#johnfriendsfrizzeaseconditioner

#adoremelingerienighty 

#xoxovoxbox #influenster #voxbox #februaryvox

Not good, not bad.

AF came... Not pregnant, but at least i ovulated....

Update!tears of joy!

On Monday 2/16/15 I went to have my cycle day 21 (2 days late) blood work done... ((The last time the lady from my dr office called me the following day to tell me that I didn't ovulate and I had to start the stronger dose of clomid))... No call Tuesday, and no call Wednesday, so by lunch time on Wednesday I called them and they said they would call me when they knew something... I'm getting pretty good at waiting lol. But, about two hours later I got the best voicemail I've ever heard! 

"Hi lindsay, it's ***** from Mr.M's office, and you ovulated! Meds worked! If you don't get your period by the 25th, test at home, and if you don't get your period by the 1st of March, come in for a blood test...good job girl! You did it!"

I then proceded to ball. 

I've never been so happy in my life, I don't want to get my hopes up that I am act airily pregnant, but to know that my body did what it was supposed to do for the first time since October and who knows when before that! Apparently this strength of clomid is what my body likes, and if I'm not pregnant right now, then we know what the plan is for next month :) 

Progress is progress. 

Trying to remain positive.

Stay tuned.

Xoxo,

LULU

😛😂🙏🎁

P.s happy Chinese New Year! 🎋🎍🎎🎏

Round two of clomid!

Today is cycle day 9. I just finished up the second round of clomid, and hot flashes are at an all time high. Just checking in.

Love my doctor, but come on!

I am so tired of having to go in to see him, every other month I have to go in because I'm bleeding so much, passing clots the size of golf balls, and the pain is unreal....

Today I got really dizzy after passing a huge clot, and I decided to email my doctors office and see if I could refill my pain meds, they said I couldn't get a refill unless I went in.... So I did. Dr. M gave me an ultra sound and saw that I had a small cyst that is about to rupture. Which means the one time I ovulated, the egg never made it down through the Fallopian tubes, it implanted on my left ovary and became a cyst. I was prescribed new pain meds that have no aspirin, which is awesome!! And I got the new rx of clomid! 

}|{Round one of clomid was 50 mg once daily for 5 days. [WHICH DIDNT WORK]

}}|{{Round two is going to be 50 mg twice a day for 5 days.

{{{I start on cycle day 5 which is 1/29 and take it for 5 days which is until 2/2, and then blood work on cycle day 21 which is 2/14}}}

...Let's see how this goes....

Stay tuned 

Xoxo,

LULU

😣😷💊

Disheartening phone call...

Nurse- "Can you please verify all your dates with me?"

Me-"sure, cycle day 1 decmeber 23, clomid day 1 decmeber 27, blood work January 12"

Nurse-"well those are all the correct dates"

Me-"so it didn't work?"

Nurse-"afraid not, not only are you not pregnant, you still didn't ovulate "

.... Try again next time.

Finished my first round of clomid

Cycle day 9-15 I took clomid and on Monday, I find out if it worked. Wish me

Luck. Just an update.